Sibling rivalry has been present in most family with more than one child. So what causes sibling rivalry? We all agree that we don’t choose the family we are born to, and we don’t really choose our siblings. They are always differences among siblings. They may be of different sex, age, temperament and the fact that they have to share the one person or the two people that they want for themselves: their parents. These differences can lead to misunderstanding and can lead to rivalry or antagonism between children.
But the most important factor that leads to sibling rivalry is parental attitude. It is often difficult for parents to be impartial to their children. Most parents will feel differently about children who have different personalities with differing needs, dispositions and place in the family.
Many parents want to treat their children equally but this is really not possible. This can also be dehumanizing. For example, for a mother to be fair to all her children, when she hugs one child then she would have to hug all of her children. This can lead to hugs becoming meaningless in the family. And there are also incidences that one child would need special attention than the other children. For example, during one of the child’s birthday or when one child is sick, a parent may give more attention to that child, which might be a bit unfair to other children.
So how should parents handle sibling rivalry within a family? First, parents should not make comparisons. Parents should treat each child as unique and try not to evaluate one child with another. So instead of making comparisons, parents should give different goals and levels of expectation for their children.
Second, parents should not dismiss or suppress their children’s resentment or angry feelings. Parents should understand that anger is a normal part of being human. And parents should accept that it is normal for siblings to get furious with one another. Parents should teach their children to control their angry feelings and that children are not given license to behave in cruel and dangerous ways.
Third, parents should also avoid situations that promote guilt in siblings. Parents should teach their children that feelings and actions are not synonymous. It may be normal for a child to want to hit the head of his or her baby brother or sister, but parents must stop the child from doing this. The guilt that follows doing something mean is a lot worse than the guilt of merely feeling mean. Thus parental intervention should be quick and decisive.
And lastly, parents should let their children to settle their own differences. This might sound good but this can also be terribly unfair in practice. This is because parents also need to judge when he or she should step in and mediate, especially in a contest of inequality in terms of strength and eloquence. Some long lasting grudges among grown sibling results when their minority rights were not protected.
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